getting it out...

Today started as a good day. Very good. I got a good nights sleep (I know this because when you wake up and your hair makes you look like a rooster, you just know it was a good sleep!). I loaded the dishes into the dishwasher, and I am pretty sure said dishes are taking notes from my laundry and multiplying when my back is turned. Then I decided to mow the lawn. While mowing the lawn I drafted letters to several of my neighbors in my head. I would never actually send these letters, but Oprah says you need to get things out in the open, so you my lucky readers get the honor. Heck, I'll bet you even HAVE these neighbors. Hopefully you're not one of them though. You're not, are you?!

Dear nice man down the street with the rude wife who hates cold tile under her feet:

We wave in this neighborhood. It's a fact. If you don't wave to someone you are considered rude. Especially if you are staring right at us as we wave to you. Yes we do know we could be waving to a potential house robber casing the place. But perhaps the waving will change his mind "Oh they're such nice people I can't steal their stuff." You never know. Your wife though,while not a potential house robber (at least I hope not), REFUSES to wave. Perhaps she doesn't like us. Perhaps she doesn't understand the rules. Perhaps she suffers from an ailment that prevents her from bending her elbow and flicking her wrist side to side. Who knows.

Now for you Mr Nice Man whose name I still haven't bothered to learn. STOP, I repeat...STOP letting your dog poop on my freaking lawn. I caught you 2 months ago and you know I caught you b/c you looked very guilty when you looked up and saw me standing on my front porch in my jammie bottoms and tee shirt. Or was that embarrassment at catching me in my jammies. Either way, you know I saw you. I thought it would stop. But noooo...today I was mowing my lawn and do you know how disguisting doggie poo smells when it runs through my mower? It's flippin nasty. I have a dog. We walk her. She just happens to be the rare kind that will only poop and pee in her own yard (I'm not kidding), but guess what is in my pocket just incase she decided as she has no choice but to use a neighbors yard as a toilet- that's right a plastic bag (Spare me the environment lecture). Fair warning just like I give my kids- 3 strikes you're out. The next time your dog poops on my lawn , I am returning it to you. Don't think I won't. You don't know my other side, you just know the crazy, always smiling, pajama wearing rooster haired, blonde. Thanks for always waving though.
Note to the nice man down the street with the rude wife's dog: Don't fret pooch. This is nothing against you as a dog or as far as your poop goes, yours is just like every other doggie's no worries. But I do think your owner is a nice man and I'd like to keep thinking that, so please next time he stops in front of my lawn for you to do your business, tug the leash a little farther to the other neighbors yard- they're my next letter anyway.

Dear other neighbor,
I thank you for hiring someone to cut your 3 foot grass in the backyard so all the gnats and mosquitoes have finally evacuated our property. Thank you also for realizing those 6 foot green things you had in the yard were in fact weeds and NOT flowers. I still don't understand how you could not make this distinction, but whatever, they're gone.
The front lawn- listen, here is a really simple way to tell where the property ends- see where our back fences meet? That is the middle. Everything in front of my fence is mine. What is in front of yours is, well, very obviously yours. THIS INCLUDES THE HILL. It is in front of YOUR fence. Another clue- look where your water meter is. Then see mine? See that space in the middle? That is where the property divides. The last clue? My grass is green. Yours, not so much. The grass on the hill- not so much green. You mowed (well,your wife did, b/c we ALL know it wasn't you- oh yeah the neighborhood talks) every area of the yard except the hill. I understand it is a pain to mow, but heck you have a power lawn mower. You can push it with a finger and not break a sweat on the entire yard. I on the other hand, as my hubby will tell you am cheap, we have a push mower- one you do break a sweat using (being honest here, it was the cheaper of the 2 mowers and at the time I wasn't the one doing the mowing, so the purchase wasn't about ease of use factor, it was based on pure money.) And yet- there I was this AM, mowing your foot high patch of not so green grass. YOU'RE WELCOME.